2010/02/18

Idol Season 9 Sex Tape Predictions?

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Our annual review of American Idol’s most desirable contestants to be caught in a sex tape!

Sex on tape! Sex on tape! Do I have your attention now?

Sex tapes are as real to the career of a celebrity as is money, so given the announcement of the top 24 contestants of the new Idol last night, what’s more appropriate than a “Who would you rather?” post? It comes with the territory right? The chances of one of these future celebs falling prey to a sex tape are about as certain as an earthquake in California. Celebrity sex tapes of American Idol’s past are not that uncommon either.

Just off the top of our heads, you’ve got Jessica Sierra and a rumored Corey Clark sex tape rumors flying around out there. I’d probably pay for that one if Paula Abdul was in it. We’re going to spare you the pain of visualizing any of the hopeful male Idol contestants and focus on what’s important; which are the legal ladies American Idol, Season 9. So, who would you rather?

In random order…….who would you want to beat up the goalie to?

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1: Janell Wheeler

On again off again girlfriend of Florida Gators QB Tim Tebow, Janell Wheeler is a southern belle we’d like to see rung! Ding Dong Ding Dong. Tim take one for the team! Go long! Even if she isn’t the girlfriend of the Heisman winning QB, we think she’s already closer to stardom just from her acquaintance with the star, and that makes the possibility of a future tape that much closer in our twisted minds. Anyhow, Tim, if you’re out there and listening to our pleas and take our begging seriously, we’re here for ya buddy. Just email us!

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2: Paige Miles

How about Paige? Anyone wanna see Paige nakey nakey? “I really just went out there and put everything on the line,” Miles said in an interview on the American Idol Web site. “I didn’t hold back at all during the performances. And I just came here and did my job. I showed me, Paige on the stage, and had fun. I think they could tell that I am really comfortable on the stage.” That’s what the Idol hopeful has to say about her performance on the stage, but the only performance we care about here is the performance in the no no room. We think that Paige is one of those locked up inside kind of quiet girls that when put in the right positions, escapes like a tiger and tears up the jungle. Catch the associations there? Maybe we can get Paige on the opposite side of the Hip Hop honey dancing thing like Superhead Karrine Steffans Vivid sex tape thing that she did and angle from the performer side?

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3: Siobhan Magnus

Now this girl, we’re not so sure of. She showed up at Idol and the nearest thing we could find sexy about her at first glance were those glasses and that’s because we’ve got a thing for girls in glasses. Siobhan kinda flopped up on stage dressed like a bag of potatoes, but there were hints of hidden treasures under the sack, strain as we did to find them. The judges always seem to focus on the show as being a singing competition, and luckily for Siobhan they’re sticking to that focus, because dress and sex appeal so far does not appear to be working for her. I bet she’s one of those girls that you wouldn’t look twice at with her clothes on, but with them lying on the floor of your living room, I bet you’d break your neck to catch an eye full. From what we can tell by looking at that video, there’s a nice looking pooper under there trying to get out! Set it free Siobhan, nudity is natural baby!

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4: Ashley Rodriguez

Ashley Rodriguez pretty much tops the list of which female from Season 9 we’d like to see some saucy video leaked of. I mean look at her! She is banging. That body! Lord that body! And so hot! Ok, I got it out. I’m still here.

“If I am the next American Idol, that’s incredible and would be such an amazing experience,” she said, “but if I am not I hope to take this as a stepping stone the next thing to lead me into my career.” says Ashley. Sweetheart if you’re not, you can move in with us! Just bring the camera, and we’ll do the rest. What size is your ring finger? We’re gonna leave it at that. <praying>.

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5: Crystal Bowersox

Crystal Bowersox is a free spirit who has a giant sunflower tattooed on her back. Her interests include knitting hats (dread caps especially), sculpting, drawing naked people (ok, we made that part up), and “making people feel at home.” Respectfully, Crystal has this whole natural, “I’m all free like a bird and stuff, and I’ll make sexy sweet loves under the tree of the 7 chakras in the field” kind of thing going on. There’s just something very natural, earthy and sexual going on with this girl. Wonder if the curtains match the dreads?

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6: Lily Scott

We’d actually probably lean most in the future possibility of the “Idol to most likely end up with a sex tape” in favor of Lily Scott. She’s just got that dirty, “I don’t care if you film me and upload it to the Internet.” look about her. She looks like she’s comfortable with who she is and wouldn’t be embarrassed if people actually did end up seeing her pink parts all over the web. She kind of looks like one of the strippers from my 21st birthday party, in a good way of course. This is the kind of girl you could probably do keg stands with, but then dress her up and take her to church to meet mom the next morning, breath mints in hand. All girls from Colorado are freaks right, and those peacock things in ears just do magical things to me in my no no area.

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7: Lacy Brown

Please no! Sharon Osbourne has mated and actually churned out a child this time that DOES look like her. Ok, we’re really sorry Lacy, but you kinda do look like her. We really DO love your voice, but our website isn’t called Voices.com is it? So, we’ve gotta defer to what we know and ask the pointed question……….Would you ever do the midnight mambo and sexy tape fed ex us with your achievements? Great little bod. Sexy little voice. The chemistry is all there. Don’t let us hold you back.

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8: Michelle Delamor

Last and certainly not least Michelle Delamor tops out the legal ladies of American Idol Season 9. The tall, leggy latina certainly needs no justification of her beauty and aura, but we just gotta say “GODDAMN!!!!!!!” If I can get an Ashley Rodriguez, with a side of Michelle Delamor, cast away to a deserted island with food and beverage to last me till my dying day, you can pretty much write me off. I’m out. See you. Been nice knowing all of you. I will die a happy man. Shit, I may even be willing to STAR in a sex tape with a female cast member of your choosing to satisfy restitution for that gift.

And there you have it. Until next year, that’s our most desirable wishful thinking sex tape review of American Idol contestants continuing on to the meatball of the show. Idol is on FOX Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 9pm.

I’m gone!

Wally Balljacker

Wally Balljacker is a guest writer for SexTapes.com